painful memories.

no matter, whenever, how much i tried, how much i contributed, it would nvr be appreciated, let alone it's going to be seen, & shown. i tried so hard to change, i tried so hard to make it happen or to appear, people nvr treat that as what it should be treated as, but taking it for granted, again & again. counting th times, being let down, 1o fingers, wasnt enough to count it. prolly, add on with th toes, or maybe i should say, both were not enough to count at all.

thinking back, walking back, turning back, how much painful memories i had experienced over these 2 years. it was sucha pain in th ass, anyone knows it, anyone understands it before. friends, should have been by my side long ago, but it vanishes ever since th starting when troubles come knocking by th door. whenever, i'm sharing my problems with a friend, it was nvr treated like an important matter, just few sentences, & that's all. hearing my rantings all this while, was a nightmare to you, i guessed. even, if i kept so quiet abt my problems, thinking that, saying so much would only add up to anotr's person burden, so what for saying it. but, it was still wrong again, by not saying, it adds up to anotr burden.

good things ends fast, bad things lasts long. when will i really wake up from this bad dream. was it tomorrow, nxt week, nxt year, 1o years ltr, or i wont snap out from it at all. i hate to make myself so moody, but my moodswings are getting worst and worst. one day, i will really snap like a over- stretched rubber band. & i walking back my old route, doing certain things, that i thought it could numb my pain. it's better than waiting for people to talk to me, rather, i numb my pain myself.

bottomline, people always think that, i could endure everyth all by myself alone, i wouldnt bother anyone with anyth. but all this while, i was just a left out friend. a left out friend whom you people think that i could happily live on with life till the fullest. just one day, you guys wait and see, see how this left out friend that you people had left out, goes crazy, dies so suddenly. (:

sorry, i was sucha letdown. in the end, because of all these fuck-ed up things, i'm contradicting myself again & again.